Does your dog ‘wag’ its tail far too often? Does your cat seem to ‘flip’ its tail uncontrollably when eyeing a bird or squirrel? While this might appear to be a normal behavior of a happy, healthy pet; they could be suffering from a soon to be developed pet ailment known as Restless Tail Syndrome (RTS). Not to worry pet owners, all of the world’s largest pharmaceutical companies are moving full force into pet medications; the medications to treat soon to be announced pet syndromes are certainly just around the corner.
For a mere $3,300 you can get your ‘paws’ on a new report highlighting the growth of pet medications in the US market. All of the world’s largest pharmaceutical giants are jumping on the band wagon. Sales of news drugs addressing pet obesity, aging, and sure to be announced ‘Restless Tail Syndrome’…”is going gangbusters, with continued double-digit sales gains predicted for the foreseeable future.” This new report covers “the Aging Pet Population”, “Pet Market Humanization”, “Pet Obesity”, “Pet Insurance”, and even “Premium Demographics” – a specialized study of pet owner shopping behaviors known as psychographic variables (in other words, ‘they’ are watching the purchasing behaviors of pet owners VERY closely).
With the pharmaceutical giants interest in pet medications, a pet owner would have to guess they are seeing dollar signs in our pets. So…since you know it’s coming…we might as well go ahead and announce the latest pet ailment…”Restless Tail Syndrome”. My guess is that clinical studies are already in the works developing the expensive drug to treat it (notice I didn’t say ‘cure it’). Here it is, the first announcement of Restless Tail Syndrome – soon to be effecting pets all over the US…and then the world.
Restless Tail Syndrome (RTS) is a physical condition that is identified by the irresistible urge to wag or flip the tail (dog or cat respectively). In order for your dog or cat to be diagnosed with RTS, the pet should meet the criteria described below:
Dog has a strong urge to wag their tail. Commonly seen in ‘happy’ breeds (that’s just about all of them…) that have not previously been prescribed with mood altering drugs. The need to ‘wag’ is often accompanied by stimulating environmental sensations such as the pet owner speaking, picking up a toy, or occasionally just looking at the dog. At times, the excessive wagging seems to have no stimulating cause (some dogs just wag more than others); in this case pet owners should consider adding an additional mood altering drug to the pet’s daily intake of prescription medicines as we feel strongly this is psychotic behavior.
Cat has a strong urge to flip their tail. Commonly observed when patient has noticed a bird or squirrel outside a window or is perhaps engaging in potentially dangerous play with another cat. Tail flipping in cats is worrisome to pet owners as to the potential risk of arthritis to be diagnosed in the cat’s tail. Should you own a cat that has been a tail flipper for more than six months, we urge you to add an additional tail arthritis medication to the pet’s daily intake of drugs.
Dog or Cat RTS symptoms become worse in the presence of family or loved ones.
Dog or Cat RTS symptoms become better in the presence of no one and nothing.
New research is proving positive that breeds of dogs and cats that are ‘tail-less’ (Boxers, Schnauzers, ect) are also effected by a similar symptom – Restless Tail-less Syndrome (RTLS). While we have yet to develop costly drugs to address the needs of these tail-less pets, rest assured we are working on it. We have discovered that for the time being, – should you feel your pet suffers from excessive ‘but’ wiggling – you can safely (exclusive of side effects listed below) drug your pet with any RTS medication.
Soon to be advertised suggested medications to treat RTS: No-Wag for dogs, and No-Flip for cats.
Side effects may include vomiting, excessive shedding, excessive licking, excessive drooling, tail chasing, diarrhea, frequent urination, sleepiness and in-activity (which could lead to obesity, but we have a drug for that too). Also, tell your veterinarian if your pet experiences new or increased gambling urges (you’ve seen those old paintings of dogs playing poker haven’t you?) or other intense urges while taking No-Wag or No-Flip.
All poking fun aside, with giant pharmaceutical companies taking such interest in our pets, it will be interesting (and depressing) to see what new syndromes and dysfunctions our pets will soon be diagnosed with that we don’t even know they have now. Should Restless Tail Syndrome actually become the next Rx trend…my suggestion would be to forego the drugs and simply enjoy the tail wagging and tail flipping.
Wishing you and your pet(s) the best,
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